Nudity, Nakedness and the Human Body

Catchy post name right? Got your attention I bet. I would like to start with a disclaimer: the following post might talk about both male and female anatomy sometimes in a scientific sex-ed-ish way and at other times in a graphic National Lampoon kind of way. Both should prove entertaining.

Also, to any and all that I include in this post; remember we are all beautiful on the inside, blah blah blah. You might blush you might even close this post in anger, but before you do, unclench and enjoy a laugh or two.

There is a reason they say “picture the audience in their underwear,” before you give a big speech. It is very difficult to take someone serious or be intimidated if they are wearing tighty-whities or granny panties. (Thongs and Speedos might be a different story!) As a society we are perfectly okay with two-piece bathing suits and guys in swim trunks, but slap some lace or a fly on them and it is just too much.

I grew up in a home full of partial nudity, a PG-13 style if you will. Nobody was walking around naked just for the heck of it but we didn’t own robes either. Let me clear it up, underwear was acceptable outerwear in the early morning or late evening hours. I just assumed everyone’s mom walked around in bra and panties? Correct me if I’m wrong.

As I got older I became somewhat modest. I guess about the time I started getting jokes I didn’t use to get. Overall I consider myself a modest person (see picture), most of the time. Alcohol is debilitating to modesty. Again, in general I prefer to cover up and only in my own home do I feel free to run free time to time. (As with most rules there might be one or two exceptions. I will let Jessica tell those stories some other time.)

I guess nurture vs. nature can show itself in many ways. Having an eight year old boy might be the same around the world I just don’t know. My son thinks we are a tribal people without social constraints in the nudity department. The kid streaks from one room to the next and is quick to point out any “naked hineys.” I should point out this is only when it is only the Peck Trio.

When Preston was five-years old he pointed out that we were similar in a certain way, but was quick to add “but yours is much bigger.” Thanks buddy. My wife laughed a little too much about this statement.

It was about age 6.5 he began really asking about babies. I stared him right in the face and gave it to him straight, it is magic. Not really of course, I turned into a high school science teacher; “Well son, you see, when a woman gets pregnant the baby grows inside the mother for roughly nine months, this is the gestation period. At first the embryo has gills and is able to breath in the fluid holding it safe inside. It eats what the mom eats via a tube that connects at the belly. When the child is fully developed the mother gives birth or “delivers” the baby and the baby passes through the vagina.”

I might have skipped over the whole semen delivery system and the actual act, but that’s for later. Even as the words were coming out of my mouth it sounded like a sci-fi movie. He was happy with the explanation and that was the end of that. Until last week.

Parenting decisions come in many shapes and sizes. I decided to let Preston watch “Tower Heist” in lieu of “In Time.” How bad could it be? I was thinking Ben Stiller, “Night at the Museum” not Ben Stiller “Meet the Parents.”

In the first scene Casey Affleck’s character is running late and he proceeds to inform Stiller’s character, “I am freaking out man. You know how your sister has a tiny vagina?” (At this point I am trying to find the pause button… no such luck.) “Well I’m afraid she is going to have this baby and just blow out her vagina!”

Jessica shot me a look while vocalizing something that sounded like a cat fight. I turned off the entire sound system and TV and in Chevy Chase style, stood up, clapped my hands and said, “Welp, let’s find something else to do.”

It wasn’t until the next morning a puzzled looking kid came up to me while I stood doing dishes.

“Hey dad, what did that guy mean on that movie?”

Quickly I tried to divert, “What movie? What guy?”

“The bellhop on that movie, what did he mean about (rolls eyes) ya know?”

“You know what a vagina is and where babies come from right?”

“Yeah”

“I think he was just trying to be gross and funny about that process.”

“Oh……..(long pause) yeah that is pretty gross I guess.” END SCENE.

We didn’t go any further into this conversation. However, it did make me thankful he came to me and asked. Can you imagine if he would have done a Google search for that? God help us. There is no recovery from that, no explanation good enough.

It was that same weekend I made the announcement that he was free to ask me anything anytime. All I kept thinking about was being in the fourth grade. Two boys in PE started talking about “boners” and as informed as fourth grade boys might be now thanks to the internet, I assure you their information was both graphic and wildly inaccurate. Of course I didn’t know that at the time so it freaked me out and that stuck with me for life. I am sure there will be many more questions over the next eight years. I should start preparing now.

Everyone has their own ways of raising children, their own limits they place on letting the outside world in and the exposure (pun intended) to violence, nudity and sexual situations. I am sure there is a line and I don’t think we have crossed it. Someday we will tell him the story of the topless beach where he fell down. And about the two girls that helped him up. I remember seeing Under Siege when I was ten years old, guys will get this without further explanation. Let’s just say oversized birthday cake + party = fake breasts. My eyes got big and that was that and I turned out okay, right?

I’ve never heard of being too informed or over prepared. For now we shall keep on course and keep our fingers crossed our choices make for a well-rounded level headed young man.

You come into this world naked and everyone is naked under their clothes. Nudity can be art or comedy depending on the situation or the individual. I think the word naked is funny all by itself. So if you find yourself naked today, I hope you think of me, no, this post, you know what I mean.

At the risk of over sharing, I present:

A few places I have been naked (longitude and latitude)
18.466667,-77.916667
17.074656,-61.817521
20.622018,-105.228457
36.306034,-95.66826
35.46756,-97.516428

Happy Hump Day! Irony can be funny.